Revd Canon Jonathan Herbert writes:
Background
For the last 9 years I have been Chaplain to Gypsies and Travellers in the Diocese of Salisbury. During this time I have been contacted by a number of both Travellers and clergy who have come into conflict over burials in graveyards and cemeteries. This will be a recurring issue, due to the importance of cultural traditions around burial and the resting place of loved ones in the Traveller community. What follows is an attempt to emphasise the importance of graveyards and headstones to the Traveller community, with the hope that those who read it may be better prepared to deal pastorally when presented with grieving relatives wanting to bury a loved one.
Traditions
For a traditional nomadic community, the grave is the final or only permanent resting place of the deceased, which makes it of vital importance. Within the Traveller community, family bonds are incredibly close knit. It’s not uncommon to see 4 generations of Travellers living on the same site, and large extended families are the norm. If members of families are forced to live apart, they will be in daily contact with one another by phone or other media. Family bonds are so intense, that when someone dies this is keenly felt and grief is often strongly expressed. As a result of these close ties, there is a strong desire for members of families to be buried next to each other. For Romany Gypsies as for most nomadic people, burial is the only option. This is because there is a traditional belief that the body and spirit do not separate immediately at death. Before someone dies, they will traditionally be visited by large numbers of relatives who will wish to show respect and make their peace with the dying person. This is partly also to do with a fear of being haunted by the ‘mulo’ or spirit of the dead person. This is also why Travellers have traditionally burnt caravans and possessions of the deceased. The focus of grief after the funeral is clearly the burial site, which would explain strong feelings of anger and disappointment when clergy seek to explain policies around graveyards.
Gravestones
The height and colour of stones are extremely important to Travellers, the larger the stone, the more expensive the material in the headstone, the greater the respect shown to the deceased. Having to abide by the rules of the churchyard and have a smaller stone without certain features the family would have wished for can lead to feelings of great shame within a grieving family. They will feel they have let the deceased down. Travellers will always wish the grave to be protected by curbing or and edge of some kind, as the grave is seen as sacred space. Edging will prevent people animals or machinery passing over it and disturbing the dead. Children are taught from a very early age not to walk across a grave. ‘Let them rest in peace’ is a common phrase. Where possible families will have a photo of the deceased inlaid into the gravestone or lay one on the grave, this is to allow family members to connect with the spirit of the loved one, but also in a culture where not everyone reads allows more distant family members to identify the grave. Graves are lovingly tended and visited regularly. For Travellers death is not the end and the spirit of the dead person lives on particularly at the graveside. This is the place to grieve, communicate with the dead and show respect for them and to show that the dead are looked after in death as they were in life.
When negotiating with Travellers it’s important to remember that they come from a covenantal tradition rather than a contractual tradition. It’s an oral tradition not a written tradition, so peoples word and what you say to people is far more significant than the details of a particular written policy which many Travellers may struggle to read because of poor literacy. The covenantal tradition Travellers tend to live by is all about the building of trust, good faith relationships community and is long term. In contrast the contractual tradition of much of secular society is about written agreements, protecting the individual and institutions.
Tips for Dealing with Grieving Families
1. Listen patiently and let the family tell their story and the significance of the burial place to them
2. Offer to pray for the soul of the deceased and the grieving family.
3. Don’t worry if everyone talks at once, or people are deeply upset, in some ways Traveller culture is more Latino than English.
4. Keep calm if people are upset as you explain particular restraints. Be clear about the policy in your graveyard. If people take offence remember Travellers have faced centuries of persecution and even today suffer a lot of discrimination.
5. If your churchyard can’t meet their needs there may be alternatives which you could suggest
6. When conducting a funeral and burial don’t worry if people look disinterested, their trusting you the minister to take care of the ritual. It won’t be a lack of respect.